There is a technique often called the “pass the bean dip” approach, which works wonderfully and basically means “do not engage, and change the subject”. As in:
“You’re nursing her again, didn't you just nurse her an hour ago? You’ll spoil her!”
“We are following his/her pediatrician's advice to feed on demand when she's hungry, it could indicate a growth spurt. Can you please pass the bean dip? It’s really good today, what did you put in it, did you do something different?”"Don't you think she's getting too old to be nursed?"
"I am following the advice of the American Pediatric Board. Hey, did you here about Tim Tebow getting picked up by the New York Mets?! Good for him! I can't wait to see him play, he's such a well rounded athlete."
"Your really should let her cry it out instead of picking her up so much and always holding her."
"That is not our parenting style, we feel she is too young to cry it out, but we will probably consider that when she's a toddler if and when bedtimes become a issue. Hey, basketball season is about to start! I can't wait to watch LeBron bring another championship to Cleveland."
“You make your own baby food? That's great but who really wants to deal with that!?”
“It’s really not a problem, we enjoy it. Hey! did you hear about Lego portrait of Derek Jeter gifted to Derek Jeter as a retirement gift? What in the heck?! haha, what an awesome gift!!”
Keep it short and simple, make a point in your response if you must but if you start discussing baby's feeding, baby's sleeping, your parenting style, or your discipline strategies then you are going to give the impression that the subject is open for discussion. And if it’s not then it’s not, don’t confuse the matter by getting drawn into an argument/debate with your parents, in-laws, other new parents, friends, family, coworkers, or strangers on the bus. And use "we" and "us", it shows strength, a solid bond, and a good co-parenting relationship.
As a young and new parent this unsolicited advice often makes you feel judged, inferior, insecure, and unsupported. We just get so overrun by unsolicited advice that even the most innocuous, harmless advice becomes intolerable and grates on us. However, it is in your best interest and for your own sanity to remind yourself and to remember that most advice comes from good intentions so try not to take it too personally. It is human nature to want to share and help and teach and in the case of grandparents their advice is usually out of concern (anxiety) for the baby's/child's safety and their sharing is them reminiscing and reliving their own intimate and precious moments that they had with their now grown babies.
What I have learned is people will always want to share and help but you are mom and you will instinctively know what your baby needs. So smile, nod politely, keep it short, make a point in your response if you must but don't engage, and most importantly try not to let it get to you or take it too personally. In other words, pass the bean dip please.
This is Part I of a several part blogging series on how to handle the peanut gallery.
This is in regards to the general, harmless, advice and sharing. In the near future I will be blogging soon about the constant negative comments, unsupportiveness, rude comments, jealousy from other moms, malicious/attacking comments, etc. because we all know and have those one or two (sometimes more) who just can't seem to help but judge and point out what you could be/should be doing instead.
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